What Your Astrology Sign REALLY Means.

People seem to be very confused about what their astrological sign means, so I'm here to help. The idea of astrology has been around since around the 2nd Millennium BCE. The idea is that movements and the relative position of celestial objects is a means for divining information about human affairs and terrestrial events (according to Wikipedia). I've recently consulted with the great stringed one in the sky and have found the proper definitions for each sign. Scroll to learn more about yourself!

Aquarius

(January 20th - February 18th)

You're often hard headed and stupid. Your lack of empathy sickens everyone around you. You constantly fear things that couldn't possibly exist. Aquarius is a fitting name since you look like you have scales on your neck. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Pisces

(February 19th - March 20th)

You love to reblog animal videos. Your strengths include eating and watching television. One of your parents doesn't love you. You're about as popular as fidget spinners (not last week, but now.) You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Aries

(March 21st - April 19th)

You tend to pick up STDs easily. Your breath is consistently smelly. Your strength is stepping up curbs without tripping. Like Aries Spears career, no one cares about you anymore. Your weakness is candy flavored underwear from Spencer's. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality

Taurus

(April 20th - May 20th)

Despite the fact that you're a Taurus, you're as weak as a snail. Your pet looks at you that way because they know you're weak. Your strength is rolling up in a ball and rolling away from opportunities in life. Your food preferences are shitty. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Gemini

(May 21st - June 20th)

You subconsciously believe that candy corn is nourishing. No one holds doors for you unless you're walking the opposite direction as them. Like a weed in Hank Hill's yard, you will die soon. You're not even cool enough to make it to summer. Loser. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Cancer

(June 21st - July 22nd)

You believe you're better than everyone because you're a summer baby, but everyone hates you for it. Cockroaches climb into your mouth each night and your diet is currently made up of 73% cockroach. That article of clothing you bought is ugly on you. You should donate it. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Leo

(July 23rd - August 22nd)

You'll never win an Oscar until late in life when it means nothing anymore. Your mom regrets having you in the hottest time of the year. Your dad regrets having to listen to her. Your weaknesses include an attraction to certain farm animals. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Virgo

(August 23rd - September 22nd)

You can't use irony properly in a sentence. You think most feet are gross, but you will ironically lose both of your feet when you're 85 years old. Your strengths include being a huge fan of the TV show Martin and waiting for your life to get better. Your weakness is everything else. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Libra

(September 23rd - October 22nd)

Since most people are born around the beginning of October, you are commonplace or "basic AF". You've done at least 3 things today that you'll regret for the rest of your life. You tend to post memes everyone saw last month. We'd all rather celebrate Halloween early than attend your sad excuse for a birthday party. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Scorpio

(October 23rd - November 21st)

Shit. The good news is that you're birthday is far enough away from Christmas that your friends and family may still buy you presents for both. The bad news is your birthday falls around Halloween and no one knows if you're wearing a costume or not. No seriously. You're really ugly. You're also reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Sagittarius

(November 22nd - December 21st)

As the name Sagittarius implies, your life closely resembles that of old saggy skin. You smell like rubber and everyone wants to squeeze you like a tub of Gak. The dates perfectly represent your personality: you harbor a lame holiday like Thanksgiving, but you've always fallen short of being a great holiday like Christmas. You'll amount to nothing in life. You're reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow.

Capricorn

(December 22nd - January 19th)

You exemplify what it means to be wonderful! However you're still reading about astrology and believe it actually interprets and represents your personality somehow, so maybe you aren't too bright after all.