I Need 3D Doritos to Return RIGHT NOW
I just typed up about four paragraphs of my affection toward snacks to begin a "Top 5 Discontinued Snacks" article when I accidentally deleted it all. My detailed snack-lust is forever lost in the vortex of deleted text. I realized after the deletion however, that there is really only one discontinued snack that really means anything to me.
Hello, old friend.
About 5 years ago, I wrote the Frito-Lay company and asked them to bring 3D Doritos back or at the very least, requested that I get one last bag, stale or not. I gave them a detailed letter as to what they meant to me and how much they encouraged my childhood, unhealthy eating habits.
“Dear Frito-Lay,
There once existed a time where the world was a magical, perfect place; a time when happiness was not sought, but enjoyed and embraced. Taste buds around America rejoiced, for at last, there was a snack that could send your endorphins through the roof with excitement. Sadly, the world once again became a depressing wasteland in the mid-2000’s when Frito-Lay discontinued Jalapeno Cheddar 3D Doritos. If you could find it in your heart to bring them back to a shelf near myself (Dallas, TX), or at the very least, send me one last bag that I’m sure you have locked away in a secret Doritos vault located in the Vatican or Area 51, my life would be fulfilled. Thank you for your time.”
I waited day and night for a return letter. I scarfed down the 3D's modern descendents as I sat patiently by the mailbox. Finally, 3 weeks later, I received a letter.
“Dear Eric,
The 3D Doritos product was discontinued in 2003 and will not return for the foreseeable future. Thank you for being a fan of Frito Lay.”
No coupon and barely a letter; this is what I received to a detailed letter of my agape love for a beautifully and oddly shaped chip that once filled my heart with magical happy goo. You better believe I was going to write back.
“Dear Snack Nazis,
As you can imagine, your response was less than satisfactory for a super fan of my caliber. Most snack companies would kill for a fan like me. I’M JUST SAYING. However, since you’ve decided to deny my request with a two sentence letter, I am forced to begin making my own 3D Dorito chips. A picture of my DIY design is included in this letter, so you know I mean business.”
This photo is a recreation of the one sent, as that photo has disappeared into the cosmos...
Sadly, I never heard back. One day I know Frito Lay will do the right thing and either bring back this delicious snack or send me some sort of paste that tastes like the 3D Doritos flavor. If you feel as I do, write your congressman immediately. Let's show these corporate bastards that they can't just play with our emotions. I mean, look how good they were:
