How I Would Ruin GAME OF THRONES.
So, if you aren't caught up with the show through season 4, LEAVE NOW, because I'm about to drop some spoilers.
Still here?
Okay. Game of Thrones ended their last season with Jon Snow being betrayed by the Nights Watch and getting stabbed repeatedly. It sucked, because I love me some Jon Snow. So, with everything else that's going on in the show, I thought I'd write my own direction for the series. Hopefully the real writers will take this verbatim, because I love chaos. Let's do this.
To be as clear as possible, The Mountain is a bad ass. We all saw him crush that guys head until it exploded. To me, that was one of the most shocking scenes in the series. You know who else is large-and-in-charge and an undercover bad ass though? HODOR. I'd like to see Hodor fight the mountain and be infused with powers from Bran Stark. The Mountain/Frankenstein thing that he is now, is sent to kill tons of people and Hodor just steps in front of the crowd that's about to be obliterated and says, "HODOR!!!!" The Mountain laughs in some maniacal girl voice at Hodors bravery and charges Hodor and Hodor/Bran stand still, until The Mountain is close enough, and Hodor just punches him into a million pieces of scattered flesh.
Let's move over to Reek, Ramsay, and Sansa. Reek should clearly slit Ramsay's throat while Sansa rips Ramsays penis off with pliers. Then reek is crying (like always) and Sansa is crying and they both hug each other as Ramsay lay on the ground bleeding out and just when you think everything's okay, Sansa slits reeks throat and stares directly into his eyes as he falls next Ramsay and his decapitated penis. As Reek slips out of existence, his head falls to the left with his lips lightly hitting the penis, so that reeks humiliation comes full circle.
Sansa grabs her stuff and runs out of the room, but is met with Little Finger embracing her in a hug on the other side. Knowing she can't escape without the slyness of Little Finger, she joins him and they escape.
Meanwhile, Khaleesi is found in the middle of that field by what turns out to be a Dothraki tribe who knows who Khaleesi is and what her relationship to Khal Drogo was, but they don't tell her this right away. They take her back to a camp where she's scared(internally) for her life, and is placed in front of a tent. The tent rustles and she doesn't know what to expect, then...MOTHA FUCKIN KHAL DROGO WALKS OUT. They embrace and it turns out he was brought back to life by a witch who repaired his body and returned his soul.
D'awwwww, greasy.
The Dragon carries Khaleesi and Khal Drogo back to the city where Tyrion and Jorah are and they're both like, "WHATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jorah walks up and says, "So you're back..." Then Khal pulls a heart out of his back pocket and starts eating it as the blood squirts onto Jorahs face. Jorah yells, "Enough!" and draws his sword. All jacked up on greyscale, he swings his sword, but Khal ducks and it flies over Tyrion, continuing in a 360 degree motion as Jorah cuts himself in half. No one cares and the story continues as if it never happened.
Everyone becomes weird friends and start charging toward the Seven Kingdoms. Cersei hears of them coming. She first sends the mountain out, who destroys all of the religious people who imprisoned her and physically eats the mean, nun-looking lady who always wanted Cersei to repent. Cersei laughs, then second, sends The Mountain and an army toward Khaleesi and her posse.
Now, I know what you're thinking..."I thought The Mountain was killed by Hodor?" BIG BAG OF NOPE. Shortly after Hodor/Bran kill what they think is the Mountain, it is revealed that it was actually Arya Stark disguised as him (to get near Cersei) and that is who they accidentally murder. She was blind still, so she ALSO thought she was battling The Mountain. OH SNAP! The Mountain lives!
Hodorrrrrrrrrrr noooooooooooooooo
In another part of the world, the White Walkers overthrow the Nights Watch, but then become obsessed with aroma therapy candles and end up melting from their newfound passion.
Across the land, Stannis Baratheon is busy gettin' it on with the redheaded witch in a bathroom stall. Stannis finishes and walks out, only to find that he has greyscale covering his body like the daughter he let be put to death. Only difference? His takes over within seconds and he falls to the ground immobile.
The redheaded witch had cast a spell on him through sex. In Pokemon terms, the STD is SUPER EFFECTIVE. She washes up and leaves the bathroom, only to be confronted by Zombie Jon Snow at the door! He is completely naked for no reason other than that George RR Martin wanted him that way. They bang and then he convinces her to teleport them both to King’s Landing.
Khaleesi's crew storms the castle and blood is everywhere! Some people are doing it, but mostly people are just fighting. All of the main characters still alive end up in the throne room. Margaery stabs cersei in the butt which secretly held all of her meanness. Cersei is suddenly a saint and strikes a deal through prayer to the old gods of the forest who quickly don't listen. Margaery lights Cersei on fire and accidentally lights herself on fire as well. They both fall to the floor.
Jon Snow and the redheaded witch are banging again near the Iron Throne as Bran Stark, now sick with rage at himself and others for what he and Hodor did, has Hodor rip the witch open from her mouth and uses her jaw bone to stab Brienne of Tarth, because she did not properly protect his mother. Hodor then trips and crushes Lord Varys, barely missing Tyrion. Tyrion crushes Hodors head with a candelabra until his brains cover the floor.
Tyrion dives into a corner for safety. The Mountain succumbs to a toe infection he originally got from stubbing it in his battle against Oberyn, and falls into the corner, trapping Tyrion, but also hiding him from others. Little finger begins stealing money off of the dead until Sansa makes him feel bad and they decide they need couples counselling, but as they're working through their issues, Khal Drogo rips little fingers little finger off and kills little finger with his own little finger.
Sansa screams and runs, but Khaleesi's dragons all burst through the wall and tear her apart like a Milky Way bar at a childrens birthday party. Suddenly, Jon Snow jumps out from behind the iron throne with a make shift catapult of wildfire. He fires it at Khal Drogo, killing him instantly(but not before him and Khaleesi TOTALLY makeout).
Khaleesi, Tyrion, and the dragons all approach the throne. Tensions are high...
Tyrion says he doesn't care about the throne, but wants to serve right below Khaleesi. Everyone is cool with this. So she takes a seat. All is well in Kings Landing.
OR IS IT!?
Jon Snow suddenly jumps out from behind the throne and stabs Tyrion through the throat, causing him to not be able to speak. Then he bashes his head in with a book - the one thing that gave him his intelligence! (foreshadowing or irony, anyone!?)
Drogon the dragon immediately rips open the neck of Rhaegal, his sibling. Viserion tries to save his kin, but perishes by the hand of Jon Snow and a Valerian steel sword that he jabs into its heart. Blood spills all over Jon Snow as he looks back at Khaleesi and the horror she has just witnessed.
Khaleesi: "What have you done, Jon Snow and Drogon!?"
Drogon speaks up for the first time ever: "We are in love, mom!"
Jon Snow and Drogon then hold hands. Khaleesi cries out in agony for a moment and then slits her own throat on a sword on the iron throne. Drogon is sad, but knows he made the right choice. Jon Snow takes a seat on the throne with Drogon by his side. They kiss, and Jon snow burps a little bit of fire as they both laugh and snuggle closer.
Jon Snow: "I love you."
Drogon: "I love you too."
