20 Amazing and Creative Ideas to Do Around the House While in Quarantine
What wave of Covid are we in? 3rd? 7th? The virus and its variant have taken over the world and time as we know it is pointless to follow, (as well as impossible). Since nothing really matters or makes sense anymore and those who are still quarantining are perpetually bored, I thought I’d write an article on things to do around the house I’ve been taking advantage of during this very weird time in modern history. Let’s get into it.
Invent Something!
Haven’t you always wanted to be the next Elon Musk or Gary Dahl? Well, now’s your chance! Pick something around your house that doesn’t work the way you want and make a product that fixes it. Want to invent a Roomba that that focuses solely on picking up your missed toenail clippings? Or maybe little robot legs that walk the TV remote controller TO YOU? What about a pack of bananas that work from home for you? The world is your oyster. Have at it.
2. Try Pooping More!
Everyone knows: “to stay in the health loop, you gotta take a daily poop”. Now, I may have just made that quote up, but I didn’t invent the science behind it. If you poop once or twice a week, THAT IS NOT GOOD. Your insides are crying right now and it’s up to you to figure out how to heal the poor thing and excrete more. Try drinking more coffee or sipping on a nice, cold Bio-Salud! Your churning guts will thank you.
3. Draw a Picture Of Your Worst Enemies
Draw your enemies as a group or dedicate a page to each individual, horrible person. Do you remember them with a trebuchet sticking out of their butts? (Multiple butts?) Or possibly a thousand ants eating out their eyes while their fingernails turn to acid and their nipples twist forever without ripping off? DRAW IT.
4. Play, “What’s In My Mouth!?”
For those of you that don’t know the rules, it’s where someone puts random things in your mouth and you have to guess what you’re eating. If you live with someone, this game is way easier. If you live alone, you can still play. Just wear a blindfold, walk into your kitchen, and start feeling around. When your fingers hit something, put it in your mouth, and try to guess what it is. (You may hide the knives before playing - or not, I’m not your mother.) Now, as a non-purposeful sequitur…
5. Make Love with Your Partner or to Yourself
Lookin’ to pass the time with something you already like doing but should do more of? Grab that partner of yours, (in a consensual way) and have at it! No room or counter is off-limits. No garage floor is too dirty - well, maybe some are. Just get creative! (This goes for those of you that are kickin’ it hands solo as well.)
6. Clean Your Pet’s Booty Hole
I don’t know about you, but my Australian shepherd’s booty hole gets WILD just about every week. Unfortunately, he was asleep while I wrote this so here’s my Corgi’s butt. Grab that hose and a pair of scissors, chop those chocolates off the vine. Your dog and your furniture will thank you.
7. Watch a British Reality Show
If you’re looking for funny accents and more nudity than its American counterparts, look no further than British reality TV. One of my favorites is Supersize vs. Super Skinny, and you can find it free on YouTube.
8. Write a Show Pilot for Netflix
As programming degrades and Netflix buys anything that has to do with a bunch of supermodels they try to pass as regular high school kids, your chances of selling your idea to a network is at an all-time high. Here’s the formula: Pretty, narcissistic people + toxic relationship + a principal character who is super talented and beautiful but is seen as an outcast for some reason + a murder or something supernatural = A HIT!
9. Make a Podcast!
Everyone’s doing it these days. Hell, even I just started making one with a friend. What topic do you not know a lot about, but enjoy enough to pretend to be an expert on? GO WITH THAT. Whatever first comes to mind. A podcast about the way your couch smells? I like it! A podcast about polydactyl cats who don’t like soft foods? GENIUS. A podcast about feet you’ve found online? Keep that one to yourself.
10. Chew Your Toenails
What a great way to save money on clippers and improve flexibility. If you’ve never tried this one, it is a must. PRO TIP: start at the pinky toe since it’s the hardest to reach, then work your way to the big toe. You can thank me later.
11. Dig a Hole
This isn’t just an idea I ripped from a Simpsons episode. I used to dig as a kid for no reason, and it’s incredibly therapeutic, (unless you find a dead body). Something about making a hole in the Earth is calming and as a bonus, you can eat as many white grub worms as you can fill your tummy with. It’s a win-win. (Well, maybe not for the worms.)
12. Read this Article
WOW, what a great getaway! I packed this article with time-passing ideas that are sure to make you a better person during quarantine. There’s nothing like getting ideas from an underqualified source!
13. Become Friends with a Nearby Tree
I’ve done this drunk and sober, though the former makes it way funner. Although this isn’t in a house, it’s still a safe activity during these strange times. Trees do a lot for us and the least you could do is go talk to one for a while. Some people will think you’re crazy, but really that’s just another thing to do…
14. Make People Think You’re Crazy
Oh man, almost ANYTHING can make you seem crazy to others. Like smearing poop all over your driveway. Or spitting on Amazon drivers as they drop off your package. Or maybe eating part of your fence. You may even try screaming at your tree, (but let the tree in on the joke beforehand). I could have written an entire article on just this…
15. Write a blog Article About How to Be Crazy
I’m just spit ballin’ here, but I bet you can think of a million ideas during quarantine of how to look crazy since you’ve probably already gone insane anyway. I know I have. Just yesterday I stuck my foot into the toilet to see if I could gauge the temperature of the water, then I tried to see how far I could get my foot in the hole. Now my foot has been stuck in this toilet for days, but luckily I had my laptop to write all of this and pass the time.
16. Become friends with the Toilet Paper Roll
You know how for the past couple hours the toilet paper roll has been talking to you, but you’ve been ignoring it because you don’t want to feel crazy? Well, open up a dialog with it. I just did, and it had so much to tell me about life and human discourse. It even gave me some ideas on how to finish out this article since I’m only at 16 and I already wrote the title with the number 20 in it which is an unbreakable promise in the listicle world.
17. Eat the Bar of Soap that has been Taunting the Toilet Paper Roll
I had no idea until I was talking with the toilet paper roll that bars of soap are so rude to them. Apparently it’s a rivalry that started years ago in a grocery store stock room. The roll asked me to ask all of you to eat that soap as quickly as possible after finishing this article. I did it and I’ve never felt better.
18. Get Your Degree in Bathroom Law
Apparently, every toilet paper roll and toilet brush has to go to bathroom law school. You learn about things like “Buttruptcy Petition” which is a formal request for protecting the farting buttruptcy laws or “deposition” which is an oral statement made before an officer authorized by law to administer… well let’s just say you don’t want to see this one in action. All bathroom law degrees can be obtained by finishing this listicle.
19. Study for Your Bathroom Law Degree
Now this is a great time-suck while in quarantine, but don’t take my word for it, just listen to what the toilet paper roll had to say: “Nothing is more important than your education in bathroom law. Not your family, not your well-being, and not the second bar of soap staring at me that Eric forgot to eat.”
20. Survive the Great Battle between Second Bar of Soap vs. Toilet Paper Roll
Nothing keeps you busy like a fight between a bar of soap and a toilet paper roll while your foot is still stuck in a toilet bowl. If you’re lucky, the battle will end shortly once the toilet paper roll is soggy and the bar of soap has disintegrated in the water mote that surrounds your ankle, assuming you’re stuck like me. After surviving, you’ll learn this was the final exam in bathroom law. Congrats, graduate, now you’re not only bored-free during quarantine, but you’ve also earned your bathroom law degree!
